Unloading my think tank...

Now that I've changed the blog look yet another time, its time for another post. I came to office at 10.30 AM, really late I know. But I don't have any work to do as of now, apart from reading pdfs...

Don't make me think. My head's so screwed up. Sometimes I go whoa my life's going at such a fast pace! Other times I'm thinking, I'm 26, where am I?? I don't know myself. My career is at such a standstill. It seems so to me. I moved from one dept. to another in office, and it seems like a good move. In fact, it IS a good move. But like I said, right now, I'm a rookie and it might be a while before I become good at the work they do. Most of my college friends have been all around the world due to work reasons, and for some reason, I haven't been abroad at all. I've worked on niche tech, products, still I don't know where am I or how good am I when compared to the others or when will I really be a go-getter in my team. I've always moved around in India and that hasn't helped my career at all. I'm working hard, I've worked hard before... but still, I'm at a standstill. I've made this decision of not quitting the telecom domain whenever I change jobs, in hope that I'll be a domain expert which'll help me in my career. But it hasn't. I work and I work and I work, but I'm stuck like glue. I have this craving to move up and give presentations, be involved in team meetings, make people stand up and take notice, and try hard as I may, I haven't the slightest clue whats wrong. I want to move out, I want to work, have agenda, weekly meetings (at least), do something substantial at the end of the day.

I was among the top 5 in my class. The not-so-smart bunch in my class have all been abroad (either cuz they're married to guys living outside of India or cuz of jobs (guys) ); and my friends ask me when are you planning, whats your next move, how come you are still here? And I have no answer for that. Makes me feel like a total loser. Its not just about going outside India, its also about doing something good at work that makes your boss take note of you and think you are capable enough of going abroad and doing something for the co. I want to be taken seriously by everyone and be entrusted with responsibilities. I want to work; I want to WORK! Why are projects always scarce in the team that I am in?? In whatever team I am in?? I feel like a failure when it comes to my career. There, I said it. And I'm ashamed to say at 26 I'm nowhere in my work life.

Where the hell have I gone wrong? Where???!!??!! I'm so frustrated. I'm so angry with myself. I'm so angry with myself and my stupid decisions. I really wish things look up at work. I try hard to stay positive and look forward to everyday at work, but its hard, its not easy as it seems. I need to see results, I need to see that I'm going somewhere.

1. I complain of splitting headache after my first (and last ever) time drinking, and mummyji is all happy and jolly! Cajoling me that its all okay while I hold my head over the toilet and puke my insides out. She tells me "beta aisa hi hota hai" while I hold my hair as though I'm about to tear them off, all thanks to the headache, of the hangover kind.

2. I'm off for my honeymoon and my mom says she won't call me and disturb me lest I'm "busy with hubby" and warns me not to call her either. Why, will she be busy too? She says, "No you fool, I mean you will be busy in the room with your husband!". WHAT?! You think my husband paid a lakh *just* to go all the way to Himalayas to make love (and a baby) ??!?!! We could do that here at home and save all that money you know! We are going there mainly, to have fun, see new places. I clarify this to her. She giggles and asks me to "just wait till you get there". I wonder and say nothing more.

3. I'm off for the honeymoon and mummyji says, "beta khush khabri leke aana". What khush khabri, I ask, hoping she'd be too embarassed to say it and thus, save me further embarassment. She says, "Jab main gayi thi tumhaare papaji ke saath to tumhaara husband hamaare saath aaya, waisa wala good news le aana". My mouth open, I tell her, "Mummyji hubby to already hai na, phir ab kisko le aau", hoping she'd close the topic thinking his son married a dumb doll. She goes, "Nahi maine kaha ek nanhe munne ki khabar le aao". Who?? We're gonna meet many strangers there, you want news about their kids? I didn't ask anything, I gave up.

4. My neighbour asks me, in a language alien to me, making signs, "Where's the baby? Its already one year since you are married!!". Oh we've ordered one, don't know what happened and I don't care yet, I wanted to say. I just smiled and acted coy. Bad move. She says, "Next Dussehra you have to enter my home with a baby!". I'm outta the country next Dussehra!

Mom says she's healthy so I shouldn't delay a baby, mummyji says ek saal ke andar bachha ho jaana chahiye. Mera socho please! Mujhe abhi woh sab ke baare mein nahi sochna hai. Mujhe pehle theek se settle hona hai, I've got so many responsibilities - my life is overwhelming as it is.

I get so irritated when people ask me if there's any "good news". Yes I'll give you good news, I've got 2 new pairs of jootis from Chandigarh, I've got 8 new salwar kameezes, I've bought a bangle stand, I've got cosmetics from AD as gift from hubby, a new watch, my health is fine, so is hubby's... all thats IS good news isn't it? No! Not if you are Indian bahu! Good news is only the announcement of a baby! I've got other things to do before I even think of it! Besides, I'm already handling a kid - MY HUBBY!! I cannot handle another one so soon! I don't have the time, money, physical strength, mental ability. Heck, I'm not even sure if I want to bring a baby into this world. I love kids, I love babies - please don't get me wrong. I'm a great massi, a great didi to kids in my family - but seriously, I'm not ready for one of my own yet. I don't know if I will be. As of now, its a NO. NO. NO. And frankly, I'm also scared of the whole pregnancy thing. Huge blown up tummy, big size clothes, the funny walk, the odd-hour odd cravings, the mood swings, the hormone changes, the swollen feet, the injections and hospital smell - see, how scared I am?

I, we (me + hubby) would want a child when both are ready. I should be happily looking forward to all the vomitting, swollen feet, big clothes and all that I mentioned above. Only then I'll have the "new mommy" glow.

Right now, I'm happy playing with other's kids :-) Preparation for "good news" in future, if you look at it!

I've moved to a new team for a different project, and so far, its been good. I've been trying to re-learn about the product, since its been more than a year. This time around, I hope to do well.

We are going to meet my sister this weekend. She's got a little sweet monster cutie who'll turn 1 soon. That, is the interesting part! I'm gonna teach her how to make nasty faces when my sister calls her, or how to poop on the couch so that my sister freaks out, and also how to demand for motorcycles. Ok that can wait, since she's only 1.

Then later last week, I'd gone to the nth beauty shop to get me Oil of Olay Night cream. Thats the only cream I use, and I stick to only scrubs (apricot, walnut) and multaani mitti with rose water. The sales girl takes me to this counter, and hands me the night cream all right, but an anti-wrinkle with leave-on-all-night kind! I looked at her and showed the cream saying this is anti wrinkle. She replies yes, but its night cream, and that's what you asked. Smartass. I said do you honestly think I need an anti wrinkle night cream? What do young people like me use? I want a simple night cream. She goes, to my horror, and hands me a moisturising cream. No night cream madam without anti-wrinkle feature. Now who's heard of a moisturising cream as being fit to replace a night cream!?!?!?!?! I woke up my bitchy self, took the anti wrinkle cream, handed it to her and said, you need this since you seem to be getting old, else why'd you hand me moisturising cream when I didn't ask you to. She wore a smug look. I. Couldn't. Care. Less.

Mom is leaving this weekend, and I don't like it. She's so much fun! She and hubby tease each other and one tries to out do the other in masti. I love her. She is so funny, down-to-earth, her advices are always right, she knows exactly what to do when, and how to do it, she's clear in her head, she's calm in responding to curt people, and she laughs a lot. My mommy.

Oh I got my new salwar kameez stitched from a yet-another-new tailor. And thankfully, he's done a good job! Whenever I get something I like, then I make sure I appreciate the person who helped me. It makes them enthusiastic and happy. I did the same with the tailor and said its really stitched well. In fact, I was so happy that I bought myself a Good Housekeeping magazine! Spoil me silly!

Today is my 3rd wedding anniversary, and I've been married only a year. Hows that then, you ask? Well, I got married according to two traditions (hubby's and mine) on 2 different dates. So that's 2 wedding anniversaries. Since the Hindu calendar is different from English calendar, I get 2 more anniversaries for each of the wedding anniversaries. Confusing? Ok its like this - I got married on 10th Sept* acc. to hubby's tradition, and then again on 26th Sept* acc. to my tradition. These are English calendar dates. My mom insists on celebrating anything (birthdays, anniversaries) acc. to Hindu calendar. Since these 2 calendars NEVER match, I get two more dates, acc. to Hindu calendar, when 10th Sept corresponds to some date in Hindu cal and 27th Sept corresponds to another date. Phew. But as long as I get niceties** who am I or anyone else to complain?


* - Fictitious dates, of course. Not my anniversary.
** - Oh that explains the pearl earrings and pearl pendant I'm wearing today! ;)

I'm reading "To Kill A Mockingbird" by Harper Lee, and I'm moved by the amount of sensitivity in it.

I'm beginning to think Atticus is the next nice man after Prof. Dumbledore.

I wish I could take up writing for a living. Not that I'd make a great one; I know that already thank you. But it'd be simply amazing to wake up early in the mornings knowing that you won't have to rush through it, make a nice cup of tea, sit by the balcony and idly sip the tea... carelessly... schedules and deadlines be damned.

I don't have much to do at work, which is surprisingly not welcome; I'd much rather work than not, though I feel otherwise when I actually have some work to do... I re-read my last sentence and boy! Talk about contradicting myself in seconds! Anyway, I want to be busy. Wake up, feel great about the day, come to work, immerse myself in it, and while I'm at it loving every minute of it, and head home after 8 hours. It pretty good upto the part when I come to office. Its slow after that.

I've made new friends at work, and they are nice. Not as much as my earlier friends, but still I like them. It makes my day at office much easier :-) And thats always welcome isn't it?

Tomorrow I'm volunteering to be a scribe for a visually challenged girl. She's got exams and while she dictates to me, I'll write. It is during workhours; I figured I'll stay back late and make up for it. I mean, if the girl can be so brave though she can't see that she agrees to take up exams (and not just learn to sew or weave baskets), then I (we) as fully grown, mature adults could do this at the very least. After all, its nice to help.

If I sound like Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes in my above para, its because I am! What did you think?!

I have so many dreams, so many things I want to accomplish, I feel like time is running out for me. Y'know... I've got so many ideas, but it seems like eternity waiting for something. And the thought that I'll never be 26 again, is scary enough. When I think of it that way, I feel like oh-my-God-I'm-still-way-behind. I mean, its just all overwhelming for me at times. It feels like... pressure... yea thats the word.

Strange... I thought in comparison to my peers and friends I was okay... but it never seems enough for me. A case of "I'm my own worst enemy", you think?

I don't know; thinking about it makes me even more tensed.

Anyway, I hope to get some things done before I go on my Diwali vacation, and once I come back, hopefully there'll be some clarity in my head.

Other than that, everything's fine :-)

Well, I don't know what I wish I could. There are a lot of things on my plate, and I don't know how to finish it. For starters, the German classes never started. Yea, only 12 students enrolled, and required was 15. So cancelled (the reason was silly if you ask me). So much for making enquires, visits, taking permission from work to adjust my timings.

Anyways, I've got lots of presents on my anniversary and in such a situation, I'm not the one to complain *ahem* *cough*Ilikegifts*cough*
*cough*onemoreanniversarycomingup*cough*

I watched Bourne Ultimatum and Johnny Gaddaar. दोनों बधिया movies! Review लिखने का ना तो time है, और ना mood है.

I might be moved to a new team at work, which is good news. I feel kinda sad about leaving my current project, but the new work has lot of prospects for my career.

I really wanted to learn a new language. In a desperate bid, I called the institution again and asked, "Ok German ना सही, कोई और language courses चल रही है क्या?" She replies, "Only Chinese and Spanish weekend classes. Both started 2 weeks back." Which means I've already missed 4 classes (each of 3 hours). Goddamit. Still, I was game to learn and catch up (Spanish I thought, not Chinese). She said classes would go on till end of Dec. More dammit. I am generally busy on weekends as well, so would end up missing more classes inevitably. इसे बोलते है हाथ को आया, मुह ना लगा।

Nothing on TV. Oh yea, Desparate Housewives Season 3 is on. So sundays 8-9 PM is fun. Other times, my TV shows only cricket, football or hockey or some other sport. Or maybe I feel that way cuz I never get to lay my hands on the remote. Thats right, never. Tyranny at home!

Ok time to go. There are novels to be read, code wanting attention, bug wanting fixing, tea waiting to be brewed, lunch waiting to be eaten, me wanting to sleep, people working waiting to be disturbed *evil grin*, peace to be spread in the world, Bush waiting to kill everyone, Mush waiting to lap up more power, and pani puri to be made at my home.

So without wasting any more time, I click on you, o publish post button!

Oh, and I'm having bad hair day almost everyday. Happy??