Unloading my think tank...

When I moved to UK, I was looking forward to a lot of things. The good thing about having friends in a country you've just moved to are that they help you get adjusted quickly. Needless to say, I made some Indian friends here. I use that term loosely because mind you, there's nothing Indian about some of them apart from their nationality. And no, they aren't even here since long - just 4 years. They take pride in India-bashing. Its like a sport for them - disucssing and cussing India over chai and samosas.
One particular friend, lets call her Monalisa, because she tricks/charms/floors everyone with her nice smile, much like the Monalisa painting.

So Monalisa landed in UK to do her Masters, and she's done it from a ok-ok university. Before that, she was in India working as a lecturer in the same college she studied from, and then worked at a call center for 6 months. Now I believe that if you end up working as a lecturer in the college you studied, chances are that you failed in getting a job outside of your college. Which basically means:

a. not intelligent enough
b. bad communication skills
c. general knowledge is so low that you don't actually know how, where to apply for jobs.

Of course, if you are genuinely interested in teaching as a profession, then all above is null and void. The case with Monalisa was not that - hence I say so.

Coming back to the topic, she claims that she received only Rs. 4000/- as her salary, as against Rs. 12000; the college management kept the Rs. 8000 with them. I say bullocks! No college/university pays a rank newcomer, a salary of Rs. 12000. Heck when I was with one of the top IT companies when I passed out of college, my salary was Rs. 10080 per month! So I don't buy the theory that she was given only 4K instead of 12K. So her reasoing is that she quit after a while, and joined this call center mainly to "make money since I was already admitted to blah-blah university in UK." Fair enough I say. There, she goes on to say, that her manager was really mean. Made her stay after-hours, work extra, never grant her leave when asked, cancel leave that were granted when he was in good mood etc etc. Now I fail to understand where are your balls? Can't you come up with lies and say I need to take leave no matter what? One cannot blame the entire IT/ITES industry's working based on your boss! It is sad and unfortunate that she had such a manager, but no way that can be generalised. i have worked with 4 companies in India, and barring one, all my managers were super nice to me, and my other team mates. She keeps saying to all and sundry in office that work environment in India is very bad and that she would never ever go back there. Well, you needn't go back and work if you've made up your mind to settle down in UK, but don't generalise the work environment when you've hardly worked there at all!

Today, at lunch, she was lamenting about how much time she's spending on the phone to get her address changed for all utility bills. She goe son to say that "Thankfully, in this country, I can do all this on phone. If I was in India, I'm sure it would have been much more difficult. I cannot imagine how could I manage with having to go to each office personally to get address changed." What the fuck! People in India buy houses too you know! And its not rocket science, getting address changed! If you have to do it, you have to do it. And she is so stingy that she doesn't even use her own mobile/landline to make those calls, she always uses the co. phone! She is so kanjoos that she re-uses the aluminium foil again and again to bring rotis in to office as many days as she can - till the poor foil is all torn! If someone in office has returned from a trip, he/she brings in some sweets/something special from that place - more often than not its something to eat. She packs some to take home to her family! Cheeeeeeeeeeeeap! She ... OK I'll stop rambling on about her thriftyness, because there is no end to it.

She's all complains about India. Climate, politics, corruption, level of education - on and on and on. Well, no country is perfect. UK has many flaws too. Politicians are corrupt, education is ok-ok in schools. No country is perfect, usse perfect banaana padta hai.

And not to mention her English is really bad. She doesn't know proper grammar, enunciation or even pronounciation. Really stupid and dumb. But like I said at the beginning of this post, she is very good at flattering people and buterring them up - so that she can get something from them. If she doesn't need anything from you, she hardly cares about you - never mind that you are friends. She always invites her rich friends home. Just because I am not here since last 4 years doesn't make me any small - but I don't care. If thats is your critieria for maintaining friendships, then screw you!

I won't let anyone take advantage of me. I will be your friend, help you even at 3 am at night, share my food with you even if I'm starving mad, but I won't take it lying down if you try to use me.

B.I.T.C.H!

1. I complain of splitting headache after my first (and last ever) time drinking, and mummyji is all happy and jolly! Cajoling me that its all okay while I hold my head over the toilet and puke my insides out. She tells me "beta aisa hi hota hai" while I hold my hair as though I'm about to tear them off, all thanks to the headache, of the hangover kind.

2. I'm off for my honeymoon and my mom says she won't call me and disturb me lest I'm "busy with hubby" and warns me not to call her either. Why, will she be busy too? She says, "No you fool, I mean you will be busy in the room with your husband!". WHAT?! You think my husband paid a lakh *just* to go all the way to Himalayas to make love (and a baby) ??!?!! We could do that here at home and save all that money you know! We are going there mainly, to have fun, see new places. I clarify this to her. She giggles and asks me to "just wait till you get there". I wonder and say nothing more.

3. I'm off for the honeymoon and mummyji says, "beta khush khabri leke aana". What khush khabri, I ask, hoping she'd be too embarassed to say it and thus, save me further embarassment. She says, "Jab main gayi thi tumhaare papaji ke saath to tumhaara husband hamaare saath aaya, waisa wala good news le aana". My mouth open, I tell her, "Mummyji hubby to already hai na, phir ab kisko le aau", hoping she'd close the topic thinking his son married a dumb doll. She goes, "Nahi maine kaha ek nanhe munne ki khabar le aao". Who?? We're gonna meet many strangers there, you want news about their kids? I didn't ask anything, I gave up.

4. My neighbour asks me, in a language alien to me, making signs, "Where's the baby? Its already one year since you are married!!". Oh we've ordered one, don't know what happened and I don't care yet, I wanted to say. I just smiled and acted coy. Bad move. She says, "Next Dussehra you have to enter my home with a baby!". I'm outta the country next Dussehra!

Mom says she's healthy so I shouldn't delay a baby, mummyji says ek saal ke andar bachha ho jaana chahiye. Mera socho please! Mujhe abhi woh sab ke baare mein nahi sochna hai. Mujhe pehle theek se settle hona hai, I've got so many responsibilities - my life is overwhelming as it is.

I get so irritated when people ask me if there's any "good news". Yes I'll give you good news, I've got 2 new pairs of jootis from Chandigarh, I've got 8 new salwar kameezes, I've bought a bangle stand, I've got cosmetics from AD as gift from hubby, a new watch, my health is fine, so is hubby's... all thats IS good news isn't it? No! Not if you are Indian bahu! Good news is only the announcement of a baby! I've got other things to do before I even think of it! Besides, I'm already handling a kid - MY HUBBY!! I cannot handle another one so soon! I don't have the time, money, physical strength, mental ability. Heck, I'm not even sure if I want to bring a baby into this world. I love kids, I love babies - please don't get me wrong. I'm a great massi, a great didi to kids in my family - but seriously, I'm not ready for one of my own yet. I don't know if I will be. As of now, its a NO. NO. NO. And frankly, I'm also scared of the whole pregnancy thing. Huge blown up tummy, big size clothes, the funny walk, the odd-hour odd cravings, the mood swings, the hormone changes, the swollen feet, the injections and hospital smell - see, how scared I am?

I, we (me + hubby) would want a child when both are ready. I should be happily looking forward to all the vomitting, swollen feet, big clothes and all that I mentioned above. Only then I'll have the "new mommy" glow.

Right now, I'm happy playing with other's kids :-) Preparation for "good news" in future, if you look at it!

Things are happening so fast and so rapidly that I hardly have the time to take it all in. Its all around and its overwhelming, and mentally exhausting. No time to stop and smell the roses, or wake up and smell the coffee... its get up at 6.30 AM, cook breakfast, eat, pack lunchbox, rush to office amidst traffic, cuss the elevator for not moving fast enough (cuz its the elevator's fault I got late to office), start work and be so immersed in it that your lunch buddies pound you with their lunch box and cell phones cuz you are 20 mins late for lunch, get back and bury yourself in work, apologize to friend for not being able to accompany her for snacks, continue work, come home really really late at night.

Phew.

It all started 2 weeks back, when I was horribly behind schedule on my task, and I realised I *have to* get it done no matter what, asap. I will.

I still haven't found the time to pay fees for the German classes, which might start on Sept 24th.
The chair in bedroom is a mountain of clothes.
My nails have half-gone-half-there nail polish; looks bad.
I gotta go to tailor #1 and get my salwar kameezes.
I gotta go to tailor #2 and get my salwar kameez, shirt.
I gotta go back to tailor #1 and give 2 new salwar kameezes for stitching.
I gotta clean the toilet.
I gotta ask about unlimited Internet and ISD activation.
I gotta take appointment to see my eye doctor.
I gotta watch Ratatouille.
I gotta update my blog about the hockey matches and my celebrity-status *ahem* *AHEMMMMM*

All these pending. But the most imp thing of all, wake up early, cook breakfast, eat, pack lunchbox, rush to... you get the drift.


#$%&*#@$%^&^&##*!

The week just whizzed by like that didn't it? Seems like Monday was just yesterday... Anyways, the author begs your pardon for being a total arse yesterday; she does let the moods take over sometimes. I assure you the occurrence will be rare. And so does the author.

I had quite a lot on my plate to complete (and I still do), but I'm stuck in the rut. With my team lead in US, it becomes ever so hard to co-ordinate with him. I understand he and the manager over there need the work done asap, but when I reach a dead-end, well, I've reached a dead-end. Can't get anywhere from there. I feel so bad; next week I'm on vacation and I hope my team lead doesn't have to bear the brunt. I made the changes he'd asked me to, took the new files, compiled the shit (with the server in bg.). But nothing ever happens, and I wonder... (line stolen from Lemon Tree :D ) So I went ahead and completed some other work, thinking I'll get back to this later, and now I see that my server's gone kaput! God help me now! You're doomed! says my inner voice. *sigh*

Oh Jesus Christofani! The server's up again! I did some tweaks here and there, and now its up and running! Let me get back to my work and see how's it going...

To be continued...

Part 2

Work continues, with no result. Motherfucking exceptions, I hate 'em!

Took appointment from the eye doctor. Bloody Herpes Zoster. Its still troubling me and my eye. Its been almost a year (I got the goddamn thing in Nov. last) and I'm still on eye drops, and my eye seems blur at times. If I close my other good eye, it seems like I'm looking at things through a transparent sheet, or a watery surface - everything appears blur and liquid-y. It scares me. Eyes are so precious, you wouldnt want a thing to happen to 'em. Pray for me, I hope all turns out fine at the doc's tomorrow *fingers crossed*

Oh shoot, that reminds me, I havent put in afternoon dose of the eye drops! Note to self: Be more careful and do NOT miss the dosage next time.

I'll go eat snacks in a little while.

Come to my office canteen if you want to eat sandwiches of the shittiest variety.

My friend with whom I go to snacks with, is a very toughy person. She touches my shoulder, hands, pokes my waist (what the hell) - and that really makes me uncomfortable. But she's really really nice. No unnecessary attitude-throwing or any of that horseshit.

My team mate was kind enough to let me eat the contents of his lunchbox. Tasty food.

*breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out* relax...

Okay people, time to go. Be good, do good :)

Oh and another thing, I'm going to watch Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix tonight! Super duper excited!

Cuz I sure get "irit8d"!! Its amazing how people type like that! It is so annoying to decipher what they are saying and once done, come to terms with how bad a speller he/she is. Or how lazy, since he/she cant take type the whole thing out.
See what I mean...

1. Hlo hw r u?
I wouldnt even care to reply if my mood is bad

2. R u thr? Or worse still, R u t?
Whatever!

3. Hw is ur sis doin? Wat abt ur plns for d evng?
(Its not wat, its what. And 'd' for 'the'??!?!?!)

4. Dis is wat I mnt 2.
(Oh sure)

5. I wnt 2 go 2 d mall 2moro.

6. Hy m8, hwz it goin? R u cumming to play l8r?
(M8??? Cumming?? Seriously??)

7. A lot f r membrs lyk 2 typ lyk dis. (taken from a website. And yes, the sentence is horrendous!)

8. R u cuming nw?
(Oh yea, your texts really give me big big O's)

9. Wen Cn I C U Agn?
(I'd say, never.)

10. LtsGt2gthr 2mrw mrng 4 futbal.
(Futbal??!??!?!! Its FOOTBALL YOU FREAK!)



Oh my dear God can you believe that?! I personally think typing like that really messes your grammar (yea its grammar and not grammer, bet 100s of you didnt know that!) and of course your spelling skills. Over time, you may even think there are the actual spellings! I read in newspaper once that kids these days, when short on time during paper, write answers in such language!!!

I understand that with 160 characters as limit for text messages, one is forced to write in abbreviated words if the message is too long. But still, I wouldnt do that. I'd rather write easily understandable words than wrte lyk dis. And when such words are used in e-mails, that really puts me off. I mean, e-mails dont have a word limit!! Write all you want! But in full words, that are easy and speak of you as a patient person, as someone who took time out to write a nice mail to you. I really do believe it shows your personality.

Oh c'mon, its not that hard is it? With the T9 feature on, its really easy :)


And really, WHATS WITH THE "CUMMING"????!?!?!?!!

I dont feel like starting work right away; so I'll write something here. Today, I will tell you about my office, and my co-workers.

My office is awesome. Its a telecom giant, and its a Fortune 14 company. Take that you losers! The policies are good, and work just makes me happy. There's never been a day that I've felt, "ugh, I dont wanna go there today" about my office. I might say that when I'm worn out, but never because the workplace is bad.

Next, my co-workers. My manager has to be the first to be mentioned here. He's upbeat, motivating, talks a lot, and gives lot of gyaan whether or not you have time and ear for it. Philosophy is his cup of tea. His favourite joke/quote/whatever-you-say-it-is is, "Americans spent billions of dollars trying to invent a pen so that astronauts can use it in space. Later, they found that Russians, used a pencil for the same." Geez. He says this every single time in meetings or even when you go to his cabin for a one-on-one chat. Another thing he says frequently is, "This is not a mechanical job guys; its IT (newsflash for us, we didnt know that!). We need to be logical here, its not like you put the nuts and bolts at the designated places and the machine comes alive. That doesnt happen in IT guy. Think! Think hard and think better!" Oooookay!

My acutal TL - Well, she's mahaan. She's done her PG in USA and though is a pukka Indian, has got a strong American accent. Her favourite phrase is, "What sorry?", as in, "Come again", or "Pardon me". And her "what sorry" comes once every 15 seconds when you are talking to her, even at the cost of interrupting you! Argh. This really honhaar guy from one of the teams she manages has just entered the office, and she goes, "Oh great you are here! Check your email, we have lots of work for you today!" at the top of her voice. This, from a "team leader" who comes in at 12.30 PM at the earliest. Wow, some people just get away with that accent of theirs dont they.

My teammate-who-is-the-deserving-TL - Yea he's a hardworker alright. He can get on your nerves, but that cuz he's moody. Really moody. Oher than that, he's a good chap. Works hard and does what needs to be done to get the job done. He does the delegating work part, talking to our team in US part, and stuff like putting all the infrastructure together when we need something, et al. He has an the knowledge of our product, inside out. He has a solution for almost everything, and his favourite phrase is, "I like it". His dream (or, let me say one of his dreams) is about to come true later this month. And we all re happy for him :)

My other team-mate - Big time sports enthu guy. Quick learner. Kid. Pulls a chair for me, offers me what he's eating, and is polite. Makes him quite nice.

Rasna Girl - So called cuz she shakes her body (mainly shoulders) all the while when talking to someone. Makes her look stupid, really. Not to mention dumb. And non-serious. And pretty darn idiotic. And that grin on her face doesnt help. Tch tch. Kept insisting to a guy once to let her have a puff off of his cigarette, cuz she "wants to try every bad thing just once in life". He wouldnt let go of his 2.5 inch fair lady even for a sec. Yea, I can imagine too how a girl constantly moving like a pendulum would look with a cigarette in her hands. Totally uncool.

Curtain Girl - So called cuz almost all her dresses seem like they are made out of curtains. BIG, HUGE, FLOWY DESIGNS. Uh oh. Hair unkempt always. Uh oh. Loud voice. That figures. *sigh*

iGuy - He's got a fixation with "i", as in iPod, iGoogle - you get the picture. IS very very techie, but fiercely guards his private life. All you hear from him is the Wi-Fi in his home, LOST series on Star World, latest softwares, gadgets, and the like. Keeps forcefully asking for "treat" for just about anything. oye us din ka pizza mat bhool! aur ab teri baari hai! He gets [insert-name-of-this-lame-sorry-ass-city] attacks - main yaha kya kar raha hoon yaar? achha khaasa tha udhar, pata nahi kya sochke aaya. ab bas ek saal... sirf ek saal, dekh lena. And if he's reading this, I would like to remind him of the weekend his cousin and her friends had come over. Time for an attack! :D


Quiet guy1, Quiet guy 2, quiet guy 3 - all hardworking, and pleasant and nice to have as colleagues. Bhagwaan us sab ka bhala kare :)

The others - All seem like they are a mass product from the same factory. Nothing new about them. Nothing that makes them mentionable.**

My friends from office - All are nice except one. The cocky girl is, well, cocky. Attitude. Ask me about what, and I fail to answer that one. She's bad at everything. From yoga to cooking, you name it and she cuts a sorry figure. The other friends in that group are nice. Kind, never the ones to hurt anyone. But they are like frogs in a well - they dont know (and neither do they care to) about what happening apart from work life and home life. Yea, its either the 4 walls of office for them, or 4 walls of their homes. Nothing else.

And there's this girl who is a pile of genetic waste. She's not from my office. Nonetheless, she's just what I said.

Oookay! Long one! Gotto get back to work.

Next time, people I wish I hadnt known. (that would be some list!)

I have seldom come across a person who doesnt like Amitabh Bachchan. In fact, I wouldnt want to trivialise his popularity by linking him to some article in wiki about him. I wont do that; cuz he's famous. He's adored by everyone. He started from ground zero and look where he is now.

He rocked the 70s (VERY important note: I wasnt born then) with his chequered pants, wide collared shirts and that awesome sideburn. He wooed women with his voice, with his awesome hair. He started a style mantra by merely tying his shirt into a knot because the shirt tore just before shooting started. The next day whole of Bombay had people tie up their shirt into knots!

His style of "hain", and "vijay deenanath chauhan" still make people whistle. KBC, inspite of no new format, survived simply on his charisma.

And who can forget the outfit he wore for the song "Saara Zamaana" in the movie "Yaarana"? It was a RAGE! Lightbulbs flashing as he moved to RD Burman's famous song...

I can go on and on about him... yet it would not suffice.

But...


see the pic below. Did he really have to do this? Ohmygoodgodwhatwashethinking?!!



Its a pic from his latest movie - Jhoom Barabar Jhoom.

OK - on the topic of the pic - first of all, what the heck?! As if his ad campaings were not enough, this came up! And pray, why do people (by people I mean, the film crew) say he's looking like Jack Sparrow - oops - I mean, Captain Jack Sparrow in that ridiculous outfit above? He's not even CLOSE! He's just the epitome of faux pau in that pic above. Even the girl in the pic (behind) seems to think so.

As a fan, I'd like to say to him - "please, aisa mat kijiye... apne image ke baare mein na sahi, apne fans ke dil mein jo aapka image hai uske baare mein to sochiye..."


PS: Am going to watch Cheeni Kum tonight... mmm should be a "sweet" movie ;)

... is what I want to tell the auto drivers of this city. What else can you do when they ask exorbitant amount of money and literally indulge in daylight robbery? No one - the govt. nor the police - does anything to curb this menace. Its commuters like me who have the face the brunt, be at the receiving end always.

The meters are put for fancy - not even a single auto in the city uses them. Au contraire, you ask them about it, and they simply drive away without another words. Its appalling!

It happens everyday to me and I'm sure I'm voicing scores of others in the city like me. Picture this:

Me: Take me to A, right turn from there to bldg B.
Auto: (big loud voice) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT far?? Okay. 120 rs *grin*
Me: Wha??!?! I give 50 rs. everyday!
Auto: So little madam! Lot of traffic madam...
Me: SO? Am I responsible for it? Thank your stars I'm taking auto and not buying a vehicle of my own, which would've added to this sad city's traffic woes.
Auto: Route long madam. Petrol costly madam.
Me: Then why dont you get CNG engine fitted? You can ply 500 km in just 50 rs.
Auto: (laughing at my suggestion) Route aaalso long madam.
Me: So? I'm giving you almost 10 rs. more than what the meter would've charged.
Auto: Okay madam 115 rs.
(From 120 he comes down to 115! Big diff!)
Me: No way. Is meter on?
Auto: (looks at me, he's mum)
Drives away!!!

This is just one instance. There are times when they quote a humongous, laughable price and just leave. You ask about meter they just smile and drive away. Mind you, its been more than 4 months, meters are just a fancy thing like the posters they stick on the insides of the auto.

I understand the problems in using the meter. My take is - if the min. amount is too less, then dont accept the conditions in the first place! Really! Why agree to that price when you are not going to use the meters anyway? Quote a price to the govt. such that its profitable for you, and for us commuters as well. You complain to the police or control room, they dont do anything.

Its a struggle everyday, commuting by autos in this city. They cheat, they are rude. Once I got an auto for 60 rs. to drop me home, when I pay him 100 rs., he gives me back 30 rs saying he doesnt have change!!! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD why didnt you tell me in the first place??!! Give me the 100 rs. back I'll get change and pay you 60!! He says no, and starts abusing me and making big hand gestures for all the people on the road to see, and do nothing.
Now, I make sure I have change before I get into an auto. I've learnt my lesson the hard way :( + x-(

And today, it was worse. This nth auto I flag, and I tell him where I want to go. He, like others, quotes a huge price. I'm like, "Dude you must be crazy" (I didnt say it out loud, I used different words.)
What he says next what a bolt, "Madam, earning in dollars madam... 100 rs not much."
Meaning, I earn in dollars (not true) so I should pay even if it is twice the actual amount.

YEA RIGHT!