You know what I really want?...
... I want to quit. Quit my job, sit back, relax. Cut to Circa 2002. I got a job where I was over-qualified, under-paid. But I was happy and raring to go. All I wanted to know and feel was the financial independence, the friends I'd make and things that the outside world I was now exposed to, would make me learn. I wanted this to be an experience of making me wiser and smarter. I loved my job and though dreaded the unearthly hours of work, I looked forward to going there everyday. I made new friends, learnt the nuances of my job and happily spent the weekly 2 days off by hunting for a proper job in the hot sun (that would do justice to my schooling) and shopping merrily. I thought this is what I want. I knew freedom didnt come easy, but when it did, it felt like a breath of fresh air.
In due course of time, I switched jobs that suited my education better and also made more money. I took care of my family and loved my life. I looked after the house, paid the bills, and even worked part-time for an NGO which was a long-cherished dream of mine since school.
Circa 2007. Now, its been 4 long years of working non-stop after 18 long years of studying. What I mean is, I havent had a break. Ever. I havent had the time to learn something new, apart from my work that is. I've always wanted to kick up my heels, and do nothing. I want to learn new languages, and indulge in gardening. I want to wake up early and talk to my plants. Cook breakfast for my family and discuss the headlines in that day's newspaper. I want to clean the house and look around the house, brood what decorative item would look good on the shelf in the hall, or would the flower creeper suit the kitchen balcony better or bedroom balcony. Then, I want to quickly dress up (look my best) and go to the home deco shop and buy something. Arrange it and sit back and be pleased. Go brew a hot cup of tea and sit back and be pleased again. I'd also like to knit (I dont know how to), crochet, tatting or even paint. Then watch Oprah and spend the afternoon and early evening reading a book - a classic, comedy or even Calvin and Hobbes. Take classes for neighbourhood kids for an hour or two and when hubby dear comes home, and we talk. All this, or just travel around my country. Explore with just a map and backpack. Without a worry about M word or B word (money and bills that is).
Wouldnt it be just wonderful? :-) I am planning to take a break, but dont know when. I wish I knew. It would make the Mondays more pleasant to work in office :-)
I totally feel you right now. All I wanted to was to find a secure stable job so that I could use my skills, have health insurance and pay back my student loans. Now that I've had that for a while, I want to just take a break and focus on my writing. But being poor was no fun, so I feel stuck. I've been doing a ton of soul search...it's tough.